it's been so long...

I haven't posted anything in this blog for the longest time... but hey, once i do, i know for a fact that there's something substantial.

So we were asked to do two papers in my English 102 class, one about a personal experience, and the other on any topic we would like to write about. I decided to write on the song, "Sleep," by Rivermaya, and how this song greatly affected my emotions during those trying times. This, while the song plays in my media player on repeat, for inspiration.

Here is what i wrote.

Some people can really tap into one’s inner sanctum without really intending to do so, without even trying to do so, even without meaning to do so. Some people just do. Whether in the form of something as simple as one’s pat on the shoulder to something as big as proposing marriage in the most romantic way possible, people really just have their own ways of being able to touch others’ lives.

In mine, Mark Escueta is one such person.

To the long-time listener/musician/fan, myself being all of the above, one will unflinchingly recognize Mark Escueta as the drummer of the band Rivermaya, completing the lineup comprising of Japs Sergio on bass and vocals, Mike Elgar on lead guitar, vocals and keyboards, and newest member Jayson Fernandez on rhythm guitar and lead vocals. These guys have been writing and performing songs for both the fans and the plain listeners, with one song or another from their colorful discography having different effects on the emotions of each and everyone. And taking this on a more personal level, that one song that made the most impact on my emotional palette was the song, “Sleep,” from the band’s latest album, “Buhay.” The song, written by Mark Escueta, talks about the first night after a couple’s big break up, from the point of view of the male persona. It speaks of the loneliness, the melancholy that he feels, now that he lost the one person he treasures and cherishes the most; no matter where he would go, he would find traces of her.

What’s funny is that the first time I heard this song, I actually liked it; it wasn’t the typical Rivermaya song with all the distorted guitars, or with the pounding bass lines, all those things. Instead, I found a song that was so fresh, so simple but still full of flavor and emotion. As a matter of fact, one would mistake it for a foreign artist’s song if he didn’t know Rivermaya. Little did I know that hearing and loving this song would become a premonition; you see, about two months after hearing the song, I ended a 2-year relationship, the most painful I had to go through. And somewhere down the road I found myself browsing through my vast collection of music CD’s, and, as if there was some strange voice directing me, I took out that Rivermaya CD, and went straight to its last track, and as that familiar acoustic guitar started ringing, I felt shivers down my spine, and eventually, I found myself in tears. I was in immense pain, and I couldn’t bear it; she was my first love, and because even our friendship became so sour, we had to cut everything that bonded us together – saved cellphone and landline numbers, Yahoo Messenger connections, even Friendster and Multiply connections – severing whatever was left of the once-beautiful friendship we shared.

As it may already be evident in my writing, it was this song that got me through all the pain, all the sleepless nights, and most importantly, those lonely hours I would keep to myself and refrain myself from shedding tears, as I constantly said to myself that she’s not worth the crying. I had the chance to tell Mark all this, and in that short meeting I was able to tell him and show him how grateful I am that he wrote this song, and that it made the cut for the record… at least, I’d like to think that I was able to do that.

At the end of all these things, I could only say few words that would completely express the gratitude I feel. And everything else I need to say to him would be greatly reflected in these words:

“Thank you, Mark Escueta! You saved me!”

So there.

Right after typing the last period, I suddenly remembered that one conversation Jamon and I had where he realized not just how much I loved Kim during the time we were together, but that i simply loved her. I'm not even flinching as I say this, because it's the truth. I loved her with all my heart, mind, and soul, but in the end, it became pointless. Everything I - or maybe we - worked so hard for crumbled just like that after 2 years.

But you know what? I'm not even regretting anything. I'm not regretting getting together with her, waiting for her, and only knowing a month too late that I was lied to. I wouldn't have grown this much if all these things didn't happen. It didn't make me any intelligent, but, fuck, it sure made me a stronger person, a better man than what I was 2 years ago.

In the end, one would realize that intelligence isn't everything. Most of the time, it's the heart that gets you through the toughest of times. After all, what use would intelligence serve one if he doesn't have the heart? I know mine got me through, and it took only that conversation, as well as my Eng 102 paper, to remind me that I've got a heart.

And I'd like to think that I have a big heart, just like what Jamon and Kurt told me that one summer afternoon the 3 of us jammed, ate together, and ranted about the loves of our lives at Jamon's house.